This messenger respects your privacy
Today I want to introduce Acme, a new instant messenger with E2E
encryption and blast processing, that respects your privacy! It's not
just for everyone, it is specifically targeted towards journalists who
need to communicate with their sources, dissidents and other people
whose metadata and social graph is especially interesting to
honeypot in need of strong privacy. Forget about obsolete
decentralized stuff like GPG, and install AcmeIM from Grahma Play
Store today.
1 Mobile number
Unlike obsolete encryption systems, we require mobile phone to register in our system. Your account is tied to your phone number. Never mind that in many countries around the world SIM-cards can be bought only after presenting a legal ID, and that mobile networks themselves have all-encompassing LI (Lawful Interception) interfaces by design. Also let's ignore the fact that mobile networks still heavily rely on SS7 protocol stack from the 70s, with the security model based on gentlemen's agreement. Some people claim that words "mobile network" and "secure" can't be used in the same sentence, but our security experts think it's very safe. Do you guys not have phones?
2 Centralized
Our messenger uses client-server approach. (You can't run your own server, BTW.) This allows us to iterate faster than the obsolete p2p/federated networks. We promise not to store any metadata on our servers. Remember, end-to-end encryption = safe.
3 Grahma play store
You can only download the client from the Grahma play store, so we can iterate faster. Grahma inc. is the champion of privacy and freedom, so we heavily rely on their APIs as well. It also helps us to update Acme client automatically. Suppose some so-called experts "audited" certain version of Acme. By doing that, they basically invited users to stick to the old version and hinder our ability to evolve, and put our users in risk. So we don't allow that.
P.S. Grahma and friends certainly don't have the list of apps running on your phone, so it's safe to install AcmeIM without drawing any attention.
4 Obsolete technologies
There are old cryptography tools that don't need centralized server, or mobile phone. They are modular enough, so the cyphertext can be embedded in DCT coefficients of cat pictures posted on @channel. In the current year this approach is a joke. It is extremely user unfriendly.
Security experts proclaim these old tools obsolete and can't wait until they die. Don't use them and download AcmeIM today!
tagged: humor